Wow How Time Passes

Wow how time has passed. October 14th 2010 Perfect changed the locks on the house and kicked me out. For a few months I cried every time I went by Angel's school, but that faded. Perfect kicked me out because that morning I had seen Angel come home at 6:30 AM with some of his buddies. I asked for their parents names so I could call them and say they were out of my care most of the night at the park with the girls, as Angel said. Perfect called me when I was on my way to work as angry as I have ever seen anyone be. That night I arrived home and she changed the locks and would not allow me in to get anything. So I had to call the police to get clothes. Looking back, I would have sat in a chair once I got into the house and said "if you want to leave, there is the door." but I didn't and now I am staying at a friends house trying to figure life out. We filed bankruptcy, lost the house and I sighed a lease for her and Angel to stay in an apartment in the area. I have not filed divorce yet. It has been a long journey to get where I am today, but I think things are looking up.

The Flesh

I have been giving this a lot of thought. The Lord certainly had a reason to say what He did. Who am I to question it? I have at least answered this dilemma in my own mind. As I have been recovering from surgery I have been willing many times to do things, but the flesh is so weak. I want to have ten times the strength I have, but I can't have it for months.

The day the apostles were asked to stay up, must have been grueling. I can't imagine the spiritual and physical stamina it must have taken to just last until night fall. Then to be asked to stay up, the flesh must have been overwhelmed with fatigue. The Spirit, or our sole, is so willing, but this body can only handle so much, it is so weak.

I am so glad I have come to this realization. It just goes to show prospective is everything. I must keep that in mind as I travel down this road. Everyday I am learning how to be nice to my family. I am nicer to most people, and I sometimes am nicer to friends and strangers then my own family. I have come to the realization years ago that if we have low self-esteem we treat our family like we think we should treat ourselves. With no respect. It is a personal self esteem issue if you do not treat your family well. I need to focus on that more. I may say it, but doing it is a totally different thing. Self-esteem is built over years, and it cannot be changed overnight. All the self-help books will not help if you do not remember who you really are. A child of God.

Angel is in this category. Perfect and I have not modeled this to him. If we do not teach him, he cannot learn this. As I study the scriptures it helps me understand more of what my relationship to God is, and that gives me self worth. If God can love me, even when I am so slothful, then I should be able to love myself.

I often think of me as God when I see my son not use good judgment. I feel so sad and feel almost helpless to help him because I can't stop him, but I feel overwhelming love for him at the same time. Wanting what is best for him, but allowing him to make those decisions on his own. I am sure as imperfect my love for Angle is, God loves me so much more. He is perfect in his love. It saddens me so much as I think of my Heavenly Father being sad over my foolish and selfish actions.

This is a great prospective that I never would have had without a child. The Lord has blessed Perfect and I with a wonderful child. We have a home, we have many things above and beyond many people who are on this earth. We are richly blessed, and yet somehow I am selfish and petty in my action to my family, myself and my fellow man.

I continue to plead with the Lord for the salvation of my family as I travel down this road of repentance having faith in the process. I have felt the warmth of the Lord many times in my life and pray I can feel the warmth of my family in the temple soon.

Back on Track

“Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak” (Matt. 26:40–41). Even though I find comfort in those words I still feel that I do not fully understanding that scripture. I notice as I am walking away from the path it is a conscience decision. I lay down to rest at night not saying my prayers, and do not follow the prompting to get up and plead with Heavenly Father. I also will brush off my feelings of guilt when I do not read my scriptures daily.

That is not the flesh as I have defined it in my mind. My body has the full capability to fulfil those things, but I just make the choice not to do them. Is that the flesh, or my spirit? I contend it is my spirit. My sole. It is Straydog who makes those choices, not some flesh and bone part of him. It is the same Straydog that came down from a spiritual existence with God to be here and make the right decisions. I am the lazy one. I cannot blame it on the body that houses my Spirit.

I fully understand that I have great temptations, as everyone does. And sometimes because of the sins of my past my spirit is craving the habits of a sinner, but I have total control of this body. I know my hands do not move unless I tell them to do so through my thoughts. Just like President Monson said in October Conference quoting Brigham Young “If Brother Brigham shall take a wrong track, and be shut out of the Kingdom of heaven, no person will be to blame but Brother Brigham. I am the only being in heaven, earth, or hell, that can be blamed.” He continued: “This will equally apply to every Latter-day Saint. Salvation is an individual operation.”

I pray that I can overcome the habits that are destroying my closeness to God and my Family. I plead for my family and myself. The scripture is so true, "for I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquities of the fathers upon the children, unto the third and fourth generations of them that hate me" (Mosiah 13:13) This is not that Perfect will be in anyway accountable for what his father does, but because of my actions I "model" a sinner, which will bring that sin upon the head of my son, if he follows me. I also do not teach him the correct way to handle the myriad things that happen to us upon this earth. My father was an alcoholic and did not teach me how to handle certain situations, because his way of handling it was to grab a bottle. I do not use that, but I have my own "drug of choice" which takes me away from my path back to God.

When I begin to falter I think about and actually plan my departure. It is a habit. I do not think of myself as ever being a good worthy man and father. I believe my real problem, that a good friend and Priesthood leader pointed out one time, I just simple forgot/forget who I am. It is bad thinking. I do not understand it totally, but I do know it is a pride issue. Also I have the power to control my thoughts. I simply need a new prospective. I will start praying for that.

Writing gives me time to think and ponder my day. It is a great blessing to stop, ponder and pray. Writing also gives me the time I need to receive ideas, and inspiration so that I can see things more clearly. It also records those ideas so I can hold myself accountable for those things I do receive and the goals I have set for myself.

New Journey

These posts are now going to be my journal of activities. I have come to the conclusion that something must change, and I probably should be the one. I am the head of the home, I have the priesthood and it is ultimately my responsibility. Plus I can't stand my hand writing!
I will continue to keep a hand written journal, but this is where I will record my thoughts and some, if not all, of my daily musings.

I will put on my next post the daily activities I have had over the last week or so. I will also date them so I can establish a time-line.

800lb Gorilla

If you have an 800lb gorilla living in your house, and all they do is drag around a chain and want to play tug-of-war. What is the best way not to get hurt by that gorilla? Don't pick up the damn chain. The gorilla does not want to hurt you, it just wants to play and protect their friend.

Perfect has a 800lb gorilla, and I have been hurt almost daily by picking up the chain...now I have stopped. I will need to continue learning how to ignore the gorilla, it won't be easy, I have had so much practice over our whole relationship, but I must do it. The animal of course did not start this big, but has grown over the years to where now you cannot win against it. I kept feeding it and eventually it is now totally out of my control. By the way I hope I can write this in a way so it makes sense to you, but it might be confusing. Let me explain...

All of our married life and even before Perfect has NEVER had to make a decision about anything. If I asked, what movie do you want to go see, or where do you want to go out to dinner, or even the simplest things, she never has an opinion or will never tell you her decision except in a very vague way, as to never be held accountable for the answer. I have played along, by making those decisions for her, I pick the place to eat, I pick the movie to see, based on what I believe she likes, but by doing so, she is never held accountable for her actions. If the movie was not good, it was my fault. If the dinner was not good, well I made the choice. If anything at all is not perfect, Perfect did not do it, so she can stand back and not be held accountable for it. Just so you know I have asked her what type of music she likes, she does not know, what is her favorite flower, or color, she does not know. If I ask her where she wants to go, she says "you know I can't make a decision" These are all small things and really have minimal impact, but she has perfected this so well, now the big things she handles the very same way. So I have made this gorilla by choosing for her.

Over the years, of course, I have made a great effort to please Perfect by asking her opinion so I could please her, but over those same years she has became a master at deflecting and making excuses as to why she could not be held accountable and how not answer my questions. Now any question I ask is perceived as an attack against her. She has certainly mastered the art of not being accountable for her Temple blessing, or her marriage, or anything else in her life including our family. BTW, Angle has learned from Perfect, and has a great mastery, even at his age, of this also because he has learned from the master, Perfect.

I began to discover this a few days ago when we went to see Borderline. The two things I learned from this meeting was, "Don't grab the Chain of a 800lb gorilla" and "We are all adults". Ironically I learned we are all adults from Perfect.

Borderline gives us assignments every time we meet. It is things we need to concentrate on until we come back and report on our progress. Well a few weeks ago Borderline gave us an assignment and I wanted to make sure we both were held accountable, because I did not see Perfect fulfilling any of the assignment, so I wanted to draw that out. Not totally to show her up, but to start the dialog of if I did not see it, I needed to change my prospective. So I told Borderline what I had done, and asked Perfect what she had done. She immediately said that I was good at making it look good, but it was insincere. Borderline began a dialog with her about how it may seem insincere in the beginning but.... I interrupted him, I said, Perfect is a master at deflection. You asked her about what she did, and she immediately attacked me. I want to know did she fulfill the assignment or not. We can discuss if I was sincere or if I need to change my perception later, I want to know if she fulfilled her assignment. She then said she would not answer me, so Borderline said, well answer me. A long pause, but then she said she did not do anything. She then immediately began to tell us how she did not know if she even wanted to be in our relationship and we both, Borderline and I, grabbed the chain of that gorilla. We both pussyfooted around trying to appease her non-comital attitude. I began to shed tears and lash out.

Now I look at that as how she has handled every attempt in getting her to be accountable. I truly do not believe she wants to hurt me, but she just does not know how to be accountable, and the sad part is, I had made this monster because I have not helped her make decisions by gently holding her accountable for the small things. Now with the big things she can't do it, and will do anything in her power to avoid those situations where she has to step up to the plate and play ball.

By my wanting to "help" Perfect, she has been allowed to not make decisions in her life. This pattern started as a child and has continued throughout our marriage. People around her always help her by allowing her to not make commitments. She is perceived as a gentle woman because of her passive demeanor. People like her, she never offends anyone because she will accept anything that is chosen because she graciously follow others.

At the same time, to the outside observer, I have a strong opinion and perceived as the one that dominates her, which is exactly the opposite. Because if you are committed to a person or relationship, as I am, and the other spouse is not committed to the relationship, who has the power? The person who is not committed, because at any whim he/she could walk and it could be blamed on the other person. No commitment means no accountability. So what do I do? I give into anything she wants. I say I am sorry all the time because I do not live up to her unrealistic expectations. I kiss her ass at high noon, she does not give me anything, because "she does not know if she wants to be with me at all". I have unwillingly created this 800lb gorilla, now I need to stop feeding it, which I am committed to do.

Surprise - Surprise -Surprise

Perfect actually said she was sorry for the way she acted Thursday night, I was so happy, it truly made my drive home from work. Perfect said she wanted to move forward. I really was EXCITED! This is the first indication that she has given me that she wanted to move forward. After I got home I was so exhausted I took a nap. I then went downstairs where Cindy was and thought we could watch a movie together, but within 5 sentences I inadvertently offended her and she went up to the bunker and I never saw her again that night.

I sometimes reflect and think am I that bad of a person? Do I have so much suppressed hatred for her that I downgrade her with every comment? I don't know. I certainly hope not. If almost everyday you are told that you are a bad person and that everything you do is for the praise of others and so you don't look bad, Sometimes you start to believe it.

My fear is that Perfect takes anything I say, whether I want it to be a positive or not, and she interprets it as a slam. It makes little difference what I say, or how I saw it, she takes it as a slam. That must be a horrible existence. She is living in a world where she thinks I hate her and not matter what I do to make it a positive she takes it as a negative, or at the best a neutral.

I will admit I do have a tremendous amount of despair and anger as she does not validate my existence, but I have really prayed to have the atonement take that away. Because my faith falters and is not perfect I regress sometimes. But as I am trying to be better, Perfect tells me she is tired hearing me say I am sorry, well I am tired in not hearing her EVER say she is sorry. I better stop for now, I can tell I am getting very ticked off...

What the HELL happened last night?

We had an appointment with our shrink, Borderline, yesterday afternoon. (Sidebar: I call him Borderline, not because he is borderline skitzo, Which he might be?:), but because he is like a good borderline collie. He knows how to herd livestock where they need to go, but he can also bite their ass if needed.) I got the Borderline's office early. We waited until about 10 minutes after the time we should be starting for Perfect, but she did not show. I was angry, very angry. I began to vent to Borderline saying this was typical and I have no illusions that this will ever get better. I also said, that I thought I would die a lonely old man. Then his secretary knocked and said Perfect had called and she broke down and was walking home. I was actually surprised that she was making the effort. I was also very concerned and worried about what happened to the car.

We drive older cars. We do not have a lot of money to be spending on or fixing these things. I was very scared. Sometimes because Perfect and I don't talk, she will not tell me about a new noise she hears from these cars so I can't address it. Also because of the constant stress and rejection I get from her on a daily basis I am not real motivated to do anything let alone do routine maintenance on a car. I got her voice-mail she sent me, and I really was scared after I heard the symptoms. I am a pretty good mechanic and I save our family thousands of dollars a year because I can do most things myself. I then started in my own mind blaming her for the family situation, and how if she would just f*cking talk to me I would have fixed this problem before it was to this point. As I drove home I saw Perfect's car on the other side of the freeway. As I entered the house I yelled out to see if she was home yet. Then I yelled with more urgency in my voice to make sure she was not just "not talking" but no answer. I went back and drove around looking for her to give her a ride home. I went all the way back on the path she said she was walking but no Perfect.

I then drove back home and she was just getting out of the shower. She had been in the shower and did not hear me the first time. I was loaded for bear! I unloaded on her. To be honest she did not have a chance. These thoughts and fears I had in my mind let loose on her. I was totally wrong in doing it. At one point she put her fingers in her ears, which I still think was a little bit immature. She asked to use my phone and I said no, I don't let 4 year old's use my phone as she had her fingers in her ears. Probably not the best thing to say. I had a friend coming over to help me rescue my car from the freeway so he was outside while this exchange was happening and could hear things because the house windows were open. He knows the problems we are having so I didn't mind. I am so glad Angel was not at home. He does not need to see his parents act like children.

The cars damage was minimal, as a matter of fact it was very small. We could have had it fixed within an hour if everything would have went right, but it didn't and to tell all the details is not needed. I will suffice it to say it was 10pm before the dust settled. I then needed to go get Angel from a birthday party. We were home by 11:00 after dropping off the twins, Borderline's girls. They are Angel's age.
Of course during the the heated discussion with Perfect earlier she mentioned it was not worth it, meaning that going to see Borderline was not worth it. She seems to always throw that in my face.

At the end of the night I went to the dungeon where Perfect was hunkered down for the night, because she could not sleep with me. I don't really see the issue, we have a King size bed, and we never touch during the night. Hell it is the same as sleeping alone. She will literally turn over if our faces are facing each other during the night. I told her I was very sorry about the argument. I told her I was very out of line. And that she did not have a chance because of my attitude. She was silent, no verbal or non-verbal ques to even let me know she heard me. The only reason I know she did, was I said good night, and she replied.

I then went to our room where she placed a typed and hand written note telling me all the bad things I was doing to her and our family. As I read it, most of the things she had on the list were things I had already stopped doing. I knew they bothered her, so I stopped. As I saw that the vast majority of the things were in that category or really skewed, I threw the paper away. I will not validate this crap. If she wants to address these one to one I am very open to it, but don't write me a note, throw it at my face and walk away without any discussion. But this is what she does, she will say the meanest most heartless things then run away. So I guess Easter will be a wonderful weekend....But then again, maybe not.