In all of this Angel is the biggest loser. When Angel sees that Perfect has no joy if I am in the house, he then associates me as the bad person. I am the one that brings sadness to Perfect, so I must be the bastard. Perfect does have joy most of the time when she interacts with Angel. The only time she does not is when she attempts to say no to him. Then he rages and she gives in most of the time, or she makes it look like she worked it out with him, which basically means she caved in. I think she does that to maintain some joy in her life. I know I crave it, and Angel is the only thing that brings her that, so to maintain any form of sanity, she gives into Angel so she can still be his friend and have joy in their interactions.
Because of our poor relationship Angel has a very skewed perception of what a family should be. He does not know how to have joy, we don't model it. He does not know how to be a loving Father or loving Mother, we don't model it. He does not know how to be a loving husband, I don't model it. Angel is at the mercy of his environment, which bring me great despair and sadness. I pray almost daily asking that the Atonement of Jesus Christ will heal those things that I am inadvertently inflicting upon him on a daily basis just for being in our home.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Combat Zone
As I walk into the door of my home and yell out some kind of greeting, I usually do not get a response from Perfect. I don't know if she didn't hear me or just ignoring me. I try to maintain some type of optimism that she just did not hear me but most of the time that is not the case. Once it is established that Perfect does not even acknowledge that I am in the house/room either with verbal or non-verbal responses I either feel overwhelming despair or anger almost instantly. I vacillate between these the rest of the time I am with her. The non-acknowledgment continues the whole time I am with her. She will talk but only when absolutely necessary, and even then she will stop cold in the middle of a haphazard conversation, with no Que to let me know why she stopped. I repeatedly apologize for not being more patient, but those statements never get validated by Perfect. She never says she is sorry, she never allows me to make a mistake, she just will either not say anything or tell me it is unacceptable. She mocks me if I show signs of tears or sadness and she tells Angel I am only doing it for the show.
I woke up the other night with my heart racing. It was after Perfect decided she could not sleep in the same bed as me and went down to the dungeon and slept on the couch down there. I am truly scared that some night when Perfect is raging she will come in to our bedroom and stab me. I know this fear is unrealistic, but I still have it.
This is my world, I live this daily. Perfect shows no joy most of the time. Never any joy with me. I beg for her to stop running around the house and just sit and talk with me. She gets angry if I even ask. I have very little joy in my life. the only joy I have is music and good people. Some of the people are friends, some are just acquaintances but talking and telling jokes with them brings me great joy and I thank God for those people. I can also listen for hours to a song that has meaning to me. Most of the songs on my play list have deep meaning to me...I know I am weird:) but they do.
The other night some friends asked Perfect and I over to play games with them. Perfect prefers not to go, not because she did not like the people, but because she does not like any social event. As an example she has missed the last two birthday parties for her nephew who is 2 yrs old. It is an excuse for her family to get together. She gets along fine with everyone but it has been Angel and I who attend. Perfect will not be feeling well or just not want to go at the last minute. So we drive the hour and a half to get there to show support for her family. I am tired of making excuses to friends and family why she is not attending or why our whole family will not be attending an event. I go if Angel wants to go, or if I really need to interact with good friends, but I hate the obvious question, where is Perfect? I do my best to save Perfect from any negative impact by making a reasonable excuse, but it is becoming more and more apparent to others that something is wrong.
I woke up the other night with my heart racing. It was after Perfect decided she could not sleep in the same bed as me and went down to the dungeon and slept on the couch down there. I am truly scared that some night when Perfect is raging she will come in to our bedroom and stab me. I know this fear is unrealistic, but I still have it.
This is my world, I live this daily. Perfect shows no joy most of the time. Never any joy with me. I beg for her to stop running around the house and just sit and talk with me. She gets angry if I even ask. I have very little joy in my life. the only joy I have is music and good people. Some of the people are friends, some are just acquaintances but talking and telling jokes with them brings me great joy and I thank God for those people. I can also listen for hours to a song that has meaning to me. Most of the songs on my play list have deep meaning to me...I know I am weird:) but they do.
The other night some friends asked Perfect and I over to play games with them. Perfect prefers not to go, not because she did not like the people, but because she does not like any social event. As an example she has missed the last two birthday parties for her nephew who is 2 yrs old. It is an excuse for her family to get together. She gets along fine with everyone but it has been Angel and I who attend. Perfect will not be feeling well or just not want to go at the last minute. So we drive the hour and a half to get there to show support for her family. I am tired of making excuses to friends and family why she is not attending or why our whole family will not be attending an event. I go if Angel wants to go, or if I really need to interact with good friends, but I hate the obvious question, where is Perfect? I do my best to save Perfect from any negative impact by making a reasonable excuse, but it is becoming more and more apparent to others that something is wrong.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Same thing happends everynight.
I walk into the door...
Straydog(me): Hey Guys!
Angel: Hey Dad
Perfect:. . . (Silence)
Now Angel is either downstairs playing video games with his friends or upstairs in his bedroom hangin out doing nothing except talking or txting. Perfect is not talking to me because she is mad at me, or because she did not hear me, she is just silent because she will not talk to me under any condition unless she is almost forced too. I walk up into the room where Perfect is. This could be the kitchen where she is making a small sandwich or simple dinner for herself.
Stray: How you feeling? (she has migraines almost everyday so this is a typical question)
Perfect: I am worn-out, and I my head does not feel well.
Stray: What can I help you with? Is there anything I can do for you?
Perfect: no...I can do it.
Perfect then takes a plate with her dinner and a drink and silently walks upstairs to our bedroom where the TV is already blasting.
Perfect gets home from her job at the local High school at 2:30-2:45PM
Angel gets dropped off the bus at 3:30PM unless Perfect drives to pick him up from school. Both of the schools are within a 5 minute drive from our suburban home.
I usually get home between 4-5 in the afternoon.
When I get home the kitchen is typically dirty from the dropping of a teenager boy and his friends that have been hanging out since school. There is also the dirty plates and pots and pans Perfect has used to make her dinner. There is almost never a dinner prepared or even the thought of a meal for me. Perfect may make a dinner for Angel, but this is not typical. Angel will come up with his friends and start rummaging through the cupboards looking for any morsel of food to take back down into the XBox dungeon. I then start to make some kind of dinner for Angel and his buddies. It might be just a pizza with lemonade but I attempt to make something. Perfect says she does not make dinner anymore because no one is ever hungry. I will admit Angel never says he is hungry then 5 minutes later he is rummaging for food. So I always try to stay ahead of that scenario.
After I am home for about 30 minutes or so, I see Angel running upstairs and blast into our bedroom where Perfect is laying down because she is not feeling well. In a short time I see Perfect dragging herself down the hall back down the stairs with car keys in hand, Angel in tow. They are going to pick up a buddy of Angel's or drop one off at home or any myriad of chauffeuring. I step in and drive Angel myself. I tell Perfect I will take care of it, and she lumbers back to the bedroom and shuts the door, The TV is still blaring.
Now Angel has not even thought of asking me to take him anywhere, because this has all been worked out with his mom supposedly before I came home. Actually because Perfect never challenges anything Angel tells her, he just dictates and she does it, or in this case I do it. I have learned through the years if I challenge this in anyway Perfect will step up and drive him all over creation and I never get to be with my son, and I am the bastard because I will not give into every whim Angel has. So now I figure I would rather be with my son driving him around then be the bastard. Don't worry I am still the bastard, just not in this situation.
Now with Perfect secluded in her bedroom bunker I am off driving Angel and his buddies to wherever they want to go. The dust usually settles around 9:00 or 9:30 at night. I am tired of going and coming numerous times and finally I draw a line where Perfect might actually support it. Angel will seclude himself in his bedroom, which is next to ours, where he will then start to call or txt any number of chicks/guys until we force the issue and make him stop at 10 or 10:30.
I typically get up at 4:30-5:00AM and I am not as young as I used to be, so this makes for a short night.
As I have always said, I make the payments, but I do not own the house.
Straydog(me): Hey Guys!
Angel: Hey Dad
Perfect:. . . (Silence)
Now Angel is either downstairs playing video games with his friends or upstairs in his bedroom hangin out doing nothing except talking or txting. Perfect is not talking to me because she is mad at me, or because she did not hear me, she is just silent because she will not talk to me under any condition unless she is almost forced too. I walk up into the room where Perfect is. This could be the kitchen where she is making a small sandwich or simple dinner for herself.
Stray: How you feeling? (she has migraines almost everyday so this is a typical question)
Perfect: I am worn-out, and I my head does not feel well.
Stray: What can I help you with? Is there anything I can do for you?
Perfect: no...I can do it.
Perfect then takes a plate with her dinner and a drink and silently walks upstairs to our bedroom where the TV is already blasting.
Perfect gets home from her job at the local High school at 2:30-2:45PM
Angel gets dropped off the bus at 3:30PM unless Perfect drives to pick him up from school. Both of the schools are within a 5 minute drive from our suburban home.
I usually get home between 4-5 in the afternoon.
When I get home the kitchen is typically dirty from the dropping of a teenager boy and his friends that have been hanging out since school. There is also the dirty plates and pots and pans Perfect has used to make her dinner. There is almost never a dinner prepared or even the thought of a meal for me. Perfect may make a dinner for Angel, but this is not typical. Angel will come up with his friends and start rummaging through the cupboards looking for any morsel of food to take back down into the XBox dungeon. I then start to make some kind of dinner for Angel and his buddies. It might be just a pizza with lemonade but I attempt to make something. Perfect says she does not make dinner anymore because no one is ever hungry. I will admit Angel never says he is hungry then 5 minutes later he is rummaging for food. So I always try to stay ahead of that scenario.
After I am home for about 30 minutes or so, I see Angel running upstairs and blast into our bedroom where Perfect is laying down because she is not feeling well. In a short time I see Perfect dragging herself down the hall back down the stairs with car keys in hand, Angel in tow. They are going to pick up a buddy of Angel's or drop one off at home or any myriad of chauffeuring. I step in and drive Angel myself. I tell Perfect I will take care of it, and she lumbers back to the bedroom and shuts the door, The TV is still blaring.
Now Angel has not even thought of asking me to take him anywhere, because this has all been worked out with his mom supposedly before I came home. Actually because Perfect never challenges anything Angel tells her, he just dictates and she does it, or in this case I do it. I have learned through the years if I challenge this in anyway Perfect will step up and drive him all over creation and I never get to be with my son, and I am the bastard because I will not give into every whim Angel has. So now I figure I would rather be with my son driving him around then be the bastard. Don't worry I am still the bastard, just not in this situation.
Now with Perfect secluded in her bedroom bunker I am off driving Angel and his buddies to wherever they want to go. The dust usually settles around 9:00 or 9:30 at night. I am tired of going and coming numerous times and finally I draw a line where Perfect might actually support it. Angel will seclude himself in his bedroom, which is next to ours, where he will then start to call or txt any number of chicks/guys until we force the issue and make him stop at 10 or 10:30.
I typically get up at 4:30-5:00AM and I am not as young as I used to be, so this makes for a short night.
As I have always said, I make the payments, but I do not own the house.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Maybe a little history
I need to record the things that I am feeling. I need a way to vent in a healthy way.
History:
My marriage to my wife, Perfect, is strained at best. We have been threatening to leave each other for sometime, but I have received conformation that I cannot break my temple covenant so I will not leave. Perfect on the other hand has not or at least not shown that she has the same conviction that I have. Some days she readily is willing to leave, and willing to move out. Of course with our 14 year old son in tow. When we first started going out, she would not make any commitment to an exclusive relationship with me. She had just one boyfriend in her entire life before me, and that was the man she dated just before we started going out. I remember when I tried to get her to go “steady” with me, she would not commit, she got angry and she would not hold me, but she asked if I could hold her, which I did.
We were temple married in 1985. That is a story for another time, but let's just say it was an adventure. I was pretty selfish and when I figured out that I was impotent I was almost excited that I did not need to worry about having children. I also knew that my wife desperately wanted to have children. Another fact was that in the 7th year of our marriage, I fell in-love with another woman and had an affair. That is another long story, but suffice it to say I repented and got back into full fellowship in the church in less then a year.
So after the affair, my wife and I had the strongest marriage we have ever had. We then went to LDS Family Services and adopted our son in November 1995. That is a wonderful story. I will tell that at another time, as I will all the other things I am bringing up. He is the love of my life.
Now, the day Angel, our son came home from LDS family services Perfect stopped having sexual contact with me. I do not mean slowed down, I mean stopped. Before that, it was as average as any healthy relationship would have, but then it just stopped dead. I was at that time the EQ President, we were going to the temple on a regular basis, and yet she totally stopped. It has never recovered. It was so devastating and surprising to me I was at a loss as to what to do. I did not dare bring it up to our social worker, although now I wish I had, it might have changed what is happening today.
Obviously Perfect and I have continued to grow apart because of the resentment and anger I have had over the years. We have tried to maintain a “Sunday” face through the years but now it is to the point where I don't even try to hide it anymore. I can't put on my poker face much. I have good friend I can talk too, but most everyone else who is in our ward is either not paying attention, or not wanting to get involved.
Perfect resents me even touching her in anyway. I used to always grab her hand during prayer. Now if I try, she pulls away or moves entirely from around me. I asked her a few weeks ago, after I had given her a tiny peck on the lips as she strained to pull away, if she didn't want me to do that any more. She said she didn't.
Perfect has become very close to Angel as this has been going on the past few years. I was a Mr. Mom for a few years when Angel was small. We had a wonderful relationship. He loved me coming home, now as a teenager he wants nothing to do with me, but he will talk for hours with Perfect in his room with the door closed. I believe that Angel is her surrogate spouse. She talks to him about all the things that I think she should talk to me about. Angel can do no wrong, and I cannot discipline him at all. I am the scapegoat and the reason anything goes wrong in the family.
History:
My marriage to my wife, Perfect, is strained at best. We have been threatening to leave each other for sometime, but I have received conformation that I cannot break my temple covenant so I will not leave. Perfect on the other hand has not or at least not shown that she has the same conviction that I have. Some days she readily is willing to leave, and willing to move out. Of course with our 14 year old son in tow. When we first started going out, she would not make any commitment to an exclusive relationship with me. She had just one boyfriend in her entire life before me, and that was the man she dated just before we started going out. I remember when I tried to get her to go “steady” with me, she would not commit, she got angry and she would not hold me, but she asked if I could hold her, which I did.
We were temple married in 1985. That is a story for another time, but let's just say it was an adventure. I was pretty selfish and when I figured out that I was impotent I was almost excited that I did not need to worry about having children. I also knew that my wife desperately wanted to have children. Another fact was that in the 7th year of our marriage, I fell in-love with another woman and had an affair. That is another long story, but suffice it to say I repented and got back into full fellowship in the church in less then a year.
So after the affair, my wife and I had the strongest marriage we have ever had. We then went to LDS Family Services and adopted our son in November 1995. That is a wonderful story. I will tell that at another time, as I will all the other things I am bringing up. He is the love of my life.
Now, the day Angel, our son came home from LDS family services Perfect stopped having sexual contact with me. I do not mean slowed down, I mean stopped. Before that, it was as average as any healthy relationship would have, but then it just stopped dead. I was at that time the EQ President, we were going to the temple on a regular basis, and yet she totally stopped. It has never recovered. It was so devastating and surprising to me I was at a loss as to what to do. I did not dare bring it up to our social worker, although now I wish I had, it might have changed what is happening today.
Obviously Perfect and I have continued to grow apart because of the resentment and anger I have had over the years. We have tried to maintain a “Sunday” face through the years but now it is to the point where I don't even try to hide it anymore. I can't put on my poker face much. I have good friend I can talk too, but most everyone else who is in our ward is either not paying attention, or not wanting to get involved.
Perfect resents me even touching her in anyway. I used to always grab her hand during prayer. Now if I try, she pulls away or moves entirely from around me. I asked her a few weeks ago, after I had given her a tiny peck on the lips as she strained to pull away, if she didn't want me to do that any more. She said she didn't.
Perfect has become very close to Angel as this has been going on the past few years. I was a Mr. Mom for a few years when Angel was small. We had a wonderful relationship. He loved me coming home, now as a teenager he wants nothing to do with me, but he will talk for hours with Perfect in his room with the door closed. I believe that Angel is her surrogate spouse. She talks to him about all the things that I think she should talk to me about. Angel can do no wrong, and I cannot discipline him at all. I am the scapegoat and the reason anything goes wrong in the family.
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