I have been giving this a lot of thought. The Lord certainly had a reason to say what He did. Who am I to question it? I have at least answered this dilemma in my own mind. As I have been recovering from surgery I have been willing many times to do things, but the flesh is so weak. I want to have ten times the strength I have, but I can't have it for months.
The day the apostles were asked to stay up, must have been grueling. I can't imagine the spiritual and physical stamina it must have taken to just last until night fall. Then to be asked to stay up, the flesh must have been overwhelmed with fatigue. The Spirit, or our sole, is so willing, but this body can only handle so much, it is so weak.
I am so glad I have come to this realization. It just goes to show prospective is everything. I must keep that in mind as I travel down this road. Everyday I am learning how to be nice to my family. I am nicer to most people, and I sometimes am nicer to friends and strangers then my own family. I have come to the realization years ago that if we have low self-esteem we treat our family like we think we should treat ourselves. With no respect. It is a personal self esteem issue if you do not treat your family well. I need to focus on that more. I may say it, but doing it is a totally different thing. Self-esteem is built over years, and it cannot be changed overnight. All the self-help books will not help if you do not remember who you really are. A child of God.
Angel is in this category. Perfect and I have not modeled this to him. If we do not teach him, he cannot learn this. As I study the scriptures it helps me understand more of what my relationship to God is, and that gives me self worth. If God can love me, even when I am so slothful, then I should be able to love myself.
I often think of me as God when I see my son not use good judgment. I feel so sad and feel almost helpless to help him because I can't stop him, but I feel overwhelming love for him at the same time. Wanting what is best for him, but allowing him to make those decisions on his own. I am sure as imperfect my love for Angle is, God loves me so much more. He is perfect in his love. It saddens me so much as I think of my Heavenly Father being sad over my foolish and selfish actions.
This is a great prospective that I never would have had without a child. The Lord has blessed Perfect and I with a wonderful child. We have a home, we have many things above and beyond many people who are on this earth. We are richly blessed, and yet somehow I am selfish and petty in my action to my family, myself and my fellow man.
I continue to plead with the Lord for the salvation of my family as I travel down this road of repentance having faith in the process. I have felt the warmth of the Lord many times in my life and pray I can feel the warmth of my family in the temple soon.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
Back on Track
“Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak” (Matt. 26:40–41). Even though I find comfort in those words I still feel that I do not fully understanding that scripture. I notice as I am walking away from the path it is a conscience decision. I lay down to rest at night not saying my prayers, and do not follow the prompting to get up and plead with Heavenly Father. I also will brush off my feelings of guilt when I do not read my scriptures daily.
That is not the flesh as I have defined it in my mind. My body has the full capability to fulfil those things, but I just make the choice not to do them. Is that the flesh, or my spirit? I contend it is my spirit. My sole. It is Straydog who makes those choices, not some flesh and bone part of him. It is the same Straydog that came down from a spiritual existence with God to be here and make the right decisions. I am the lazy one. I cannot blame it on the body that houses my Spirit.
I fully understand that I have great temptations, as everyone does. And sometimes because of the sins of my past my spirit is craving the habits of a sinner, but I have total control of this body. I know my hands do not move unless I tell them to do so through my thoughts. Just like President Monson said in October Conference quoting Brigham Young “If Brother Brigham shall take a wrong track, and be shut out of the Kingdom of heaven, no person will be to blame but Brother Brigham. I am the only being in heaven, earth, or hell, that can be blamed.” He continued: “This will equally apply to every Latter-day Saint. Salvation is an individual operation.”
I pray that I can overcome the habits that are destroying my closeness to God and my Family. I plead for my family and myself. The scripture is so true, "for I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquities of the fathers upon the children, unto the third and fourth generations of them that hate me" (Mosiah 13:13) This is not that Perfect will be in anyway accountable for what his father does, but because of my actions I "model" a sinner, which will bring that sin upon the head of my son, if he follows me. I also do not teach him the correct way to handle the myriad things that happen to us upon this earth. My father was an alcoholic and did not teach me how to handle certain situations, because his way of handling it was to grab a bottle. I do not use that, but I have my own "drug of choice" which takes me away from my path back to God.
When I begin to falter I think about and actually plan my departure. It is a habit. I do not think of myself as ever being a good worthy man and father. I believe my real problem, that a good friend and Priesthood leader pointed out one time, I just simple forgot/forget who I am. It is bad thinking. I do not understand it totally, but I do know it is a pride issue. Also I have the power to control my thoughts. I simply need a new prospective. I will start praying for that.
Writing gives me time to think and ponder my day. It is a great blessing to stop, ponder and pray. Writing also gives me the time I need to receive ideas, and inspiration so that I can see things more clearly. It also records those ideas so I can hold myself accountable for those things I do receive and the goals I have set for myself.
That is not the flesh as I have defined it in my mind. My body has the full capability to fulfil those things, but I just make the choice not to do them. Is that the flesh, or my spirit? I contend it is my spirit. My sole. It is Straydog who makes those choices, not some flesh and bone part of him. It is the same Straydog that came down from a spiritual existence with God to be here and make the right decisions. I am the lazy one. I cannot blame it on the body that houses my Spirit.
I fully understand that I have great temptations, as everyone does. And sometimes because of the sins of my past my spirit is craving the habits of a sinner, but I have total control of this body. I know my hands do not move unless I tell them to do so through my thoughts. Just like President Monson said in October Conference quoting Brigham Young “If Brother Brigham shall take a wrong track, and be shut out of the Kingdom of heaven, no person will be to blame but Brother Brigham. I am the only being in heaven, earth, or hell, that can be blamed.” He continued: “This will equally apply to every Latter-day Saint. Salvation is an individual operation.”
I pray that I can overcome the habits that are destroying my closeness to God and my Family. I plead for my family and myself. The scripture is so true, "for I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquities of the fathers upon the children, unto the third and fourth generations of them that hate me" (Mosiah 13:13) This is not that Perfect will be in anyway accountable for what his father does, but because of my actions I "model" a sinner, which will bring that sin upon the head of my son, if he follows me. I also do not teach him the correct way to handle the myriad things that happen to us upon this earth. My father was an alcoholic and did not teach me how to handle certain situations, because his way of handling it was to grab a bottle. I do not use that, but I have my own "drug of choice" which takes me away from my path back to God.
When I begin to falter I think about and actually plan my departure. It is a habit. I do not think of myself as ever being a good worthy man and father. I believe my real problem, that a good friend and Priesthood leader pointed out one time, I just simple forgot/forget who I am. It is bad thinking. I do not understand it totally, but I do know it is a pride issue. Also I have the power to control my thoughts. I simply need a new prospective. I will start praying for that.
Writing gives me time to think and ponder my day. It is a great blessing to stop, ponder and pray. Writing also gives me the time I need to receive ideas, and inspiration so that I can see things more clearly. It also records those ideas so I can hold myself accountable for those things I do receive and the goals I have set for myself.
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