If you have an 800lb gorilla living in your house, and all they do is drag around a chain and want to play tug-of-war. What is the best way not to get hurt by that gorilla? Don't pick up the damn chain. The gorilla does not want to hurt you, it just wants to play and protect their friend.
Perfect has a 800lb gorilla, and I have been hurt almost daily by picking up the chain...now I have stopped. I will need to continue learning how to ignore the gorilla, it won't be easy, I have had so much practice over our whole relationship, but I must do it. The animal of course did not start this big, but has grown over the years to where now you cannot win against it. I kept feeding it and eventually it is now totally out of my control. By the way I hope I can write this in a way so it makes sense to you, but it might be confusing. Let me explain...
All of our married life and even before Perfect has NEVER had to make a decision about anything. If I asked, what movie do you want to go see, or where do you want to go out to dinner, or even the simplest things, she never has an opinion or will never tell you her decision except in a very vague way, as to never be held accountable for the answer. I have played along, by making those decisions for her, I pick the place to eat, I pick the movie to see, based on what I believe she likes, but by doing so, she is never held accountable for her actions. If the movie was not good, it was my fault. If the dinner was not good, well I made the choice. If anything at all is not perfect, Perfect did not do it, so she can stand back and not be held accountable for it. Just so you know I have asked her what type of music she likes, she does not know, what is her favorite flower, or color, she does not know. If I ask her where she wants to go, she says "you know I can't make a decision" These are all small things and really have minimal impact, but she has perfected this so well, now the big things she handles the very same way. So I have made this gorilla by choosing for her.
Over the years, of course, I have made a great effort to please Perfect by asking her opinion so I could please her, but over those same years she has became a master at deflecting and making excuses as to why she could not be held accountable and how not answer my questions. Now any question I ask is perceived as an attack against her. She has certainly mastered the art of not being accountable for her Temple blessing, or her marriage, or anything else in her life including our family. BTW, Angle has learned from Perfect, and has a great mastery, even at his age, of this also because he has learned from the master, Perfect.
I began to discover this a few days ago when we went to see Borderline. The two things I learned from this meeting was, "Don't grab the Chain of a 800lb gorilla" and "We are all adults". Ironically I learned we are all adults from Perfect.
Borderline gives us assignments every time we meet. It is things we need to concentrate on until we come back and report on our progress. Well a few weeks ago Borderline gave us an assignment and I wanted to make sure we both were held accountable, because I did not see Perfect fulfilling any of the assignment, so I wanted to draw that out. Not totally to show her up, but to start the dialog of if I did not see it, I needed to change my prospective. So I told Borderline what I had done, and asked Perfect what she had done. She immediately said that I was good at making it look good, but it was insincere. Borderline began a dialog with her about how it may seem insincere in the beginning but.... I interrupted him, I said, Perfect is a master at deflection. You asked her about what she did, and she immediately attacked me. I want to know did she fulfill the assignment or not. We can discuss if I was sincere or if I need to change my perception later, I want to know if she fulfilled her assignment. She then said she would not answer me, so Borderline said, well answer me. A long pause, but then she said she did not do anything. She then immediately began to tell us how she did not know if she even wanted to be in our relationship and we both, Borderline and I, grabbed the chain of that gorilla. We both pussyfooted around trying to appease her non-comital attitude. I began to shed tears and lash out.
Now I look at that as how she has handled every attempt in getting her to be accountable. I truly do not believe she wants to hurt me, but she just does not know how to be accountable, and the sad part is, I had made this monster because I have not helped her make decisions by gently holding her accountable for the small things. Now with the big things she can't do it, and will do anything in her power to avoid those situations where she has to step up to the plate and play ball.
By my wanting to "help" Perfect, she has been allowed to not make decisions in her life. This pattern started as a child and has continued throughout our marriage. People around her always help her by allowing her to not make commitments. She is perceived as a gentle woman because of her passive demeanor. People like her, she never offends anyone because she will accept anything that is chosen because she graciously follow others.
At the same time, to the outside observer, I have a strong opinion and perceived as the one that dominates her, which is exactly the opposite. Because if you are committed to a person or relationship, as I am, and the other spouse is not committed to the relationship, who has the power? The person who is not committed, because at any whim he/she could walk and it could be blamed on the other person. No commitment means no accountability. So what do I do? I give into anything she wants. I say I am sorry all the time because I do not live up to her unrealistic expectations. I kiss her ass at high noon, she does not give me anything, because "she does not know if she wants to be with me at all". I have unwillingly created this 800lb gorilla, now I need to stop feeding it, which I am committed to do.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
Surprise - Surprise -Surprise
Perfect actually said she was sorry for the way she acted Thursday night, I was so happy, it truly made my drive home from work. Perfect said she wanted to move forward. I really was EXCITED! This is the first indication that she has given me that she wanted to move forward. After I got home I was so exhausted I took a nap. I then went downstairs where Cindy was and thought we could watch a movie together, but within 5 sentences I inadvertently offended her and she went up to the bunker and I never saw her again that night.
I sometimes reflect and think am I that bad of a person? Do I have so much suppressed hatred for her that I downgrade her with every comment? I don't know. I certainly hope not. If almost everyday you are told that you are a bad person and that everything you do is for the praise of others and so you don't look bad, Sometimes you start to believe it.
My fear is that Perfect takes anything I say, whether I want it to be a positive or not, and she interprets it as a slam. It makes little difference what I say, or how I saw it, she takes it as a slam. That must be a horrible existence. She is living in a world where she thinks I hate her and not matter what I do to make it a positive she takes it as a negative, or at the best a neutral.
I will admit I do have a tremendous amount of despair and anger as she does not validate my existence, but I have really prayed to have the atonement take that away. Because my faith falters and is not perfect I regress sometimes. But as I am trying to be better, Perfect tells me she is tired hearing me say I am sorry, well I am tired in not hearing her EVER say she is sorry. I better stop for now, I can tell I am getting very ticked off...
I sometimes reflect and think am I that bad of a person? Do I have so much suppressed hatred for her that I downgrade her with every comment? I don't know. I certainly hope not. If almost everyday you are told that you are a bad person and that everything you do is for the praise of others and so you don't look bad, Sometimes you start to believe it.
My fear is that Perfect takes anything I say, whether I want it to be a positive or not, and she interprets it as a slam. It makes little difference what I say, or how I saw it, she takes it as a slam. That must be a horrible existence. She is living in a world where she thinks I hate her and not matter what I do to make it a positive she takes it as a negative, or at the best a neutral.
I will admit I do have a tremendous amount of despair and anger as she does not validate my existence, but I have really prayed to have the atonement take that away. Because my faith falters and is not perfect I regress sometimes. But as I am trying to be better, Perfect tells me she is tired hearing me say I am sorry, well I am tired in not hearing her EVER say she is sorry. I better stop for now, I can tell I am getting very ticked off...
Friday, April 2, 2010
What the HELL happened last night?
We had an appointment with our shrink, Borderline, yesterday afternoon. (Sidebar: I call him Borderline, not because he is borderline skitzo, Which he might be?:), but because he is like a good borderline collie. He knows how to herd livestock where they need to go, but he can also bite their ass if needed.) I got the Borderline's office early. We waited until about 10 minutes after the time we should be starting for Perfect, but she did not show. I was angry, very angry. I began to vent to Borderline saying this was typical and I have no illusions that this will ever get better. I also said, that I thought I would die a lonely old man. Then his secretary knocked and said Perfect had called and she broke down and was walking home. I was actually surprised that she was making the effort. I was also very concerned and worried about what happened to the car.
We drive older cars. We do not have a lot of money to be spending on or fixing these things. I was very scared. Sometimes because Perfect and I don't talk, she will not tell me about a new noise she hears from these cars so I can't address it. Also because of the constant stress and rejection I get from her on a daily basis I am not real motivated to do anything let alone do routine maintenance on a car. I got her voice-mail she sent me, and I really was scared after I heard the symptoms. I am a pretty good mechanic and I save our family thousands of dollars a year because I can do most things myself. I then started in my own mind blaming her for the family situation, and how if she would just f*cking talk to me I would have fixed this problem before it was to this point. As I drove home I saw Perfect's car on the other side of the freeway. As I entered the house I yelled out to see if she was home yet. Then I yelled with more urgency in my voice to make sure she was not just "not talking" but no answer. I went back and drove around looking for her to give her a ride home. I went all the way back on the path she said she was walking but no Perfect.
I then drove back home and she was just getting out of the shower. She had been in the shower and did not hear me the first time. I was loaded for bear! I unloaded on her. To be honest she did not have a chance. These thoughts and fears I had in my mind let loose on her. I was totally wrong in doing it. At one point she put her fingers in her ears, which I still think was a little bit immature. She asked to use my phone and I said no, I don't let 4 year old's use my phone as she had her fingers in her ears. Probably not the best thing to say. I had a friend coming over to help me rescue my car from the freeway so he was outside while this exchange was happening and could hear things because the house windows were open. He knows the problems we are having so I didn't mind. I am so glad Angel was not at home. He does not need to see his parents act like children.
The cars damage was minimal, as a matter of fact it was very small. We could have had it fixed within an hour if everything would have went right, but it didn't and to tell all the details is not needed. I will suffice it to say it was 10pm before the dust settled. I then needed to go get Angel from a birthday party. We were home by 11:00 after dropping off the twins, Borderline's girls. They are Angel's age.
Of course during the the heated discussion with Perfect earlier she mentioned it was not worth it, meaning that going to see Borderline was not worth it. She seems to always throw that in my face.
At the end of the night I went to the dungeon where Perfect was hunkered down for the night, because she could not sleep with me. I don't really see the issue, we have a King size bed, and we never touch during the night. Hell it is the same as sleeping alone. She will literally turn over if our faces are facing each other during the night. I told her I was very sorry about the argument. I told her I was very out of line. And that she did not have a chance because of my attitude. She was silent, no verbal or non-verbal ques to even let me know she heard me. The only reason I know she did, was I said good night, and she replied.
I then went to our room where she placed a typed and hand written note telling me all the bad things I was doing to her and our family. As I read it, most of the things she had on the list were things I had already stopped doing. I knew they bothered her, so I stopped. As I saw that the vast majority of the things were in that category or really skewed, I threw the paper away. I will not validate this crap. If she wants to address these one to one I am very open to it, but don't write me a note, throw it at my face and walk away without any discussion. But this is what she does, she will say the meanest most heartless things then run away. So I guess Easter will be a wonderful weekend....But then again, maybe not.
We drive older cars. We do not have a lot of money to be spending on or fixing these things. I was very scared. Sometimes because Perfect and I don't talk, she will not tell me about a new noise she hears from these cars so I can't address it. Also because of the constant stress and rejection I get from her on a daily basis I am not real motivated to do anything let alone do routine maintenance on a car. I got her voice-mail she sent me, and I really was scared after I heard the symptoms. I am a pretty good mechanic and I save our family thousands of dollars a year because I can do most things myself. I then started in my own mind blaming her for the family situation, and how if she would just f*cking talk to me I would have fixed this problem before it was to this point. As I drove home I saw Perfect's car on the other side of the freeway. As I entered the house I yelled out to see if she was home yet. Then I yelled with more urgency in my voice to make sure she was not just "not talking" but no answer. I went back and drove around looking for her to give her a ride home. I went all the way back on the path she said she was walking but no Perfect.
I then drove back home and she was just getting out of the shower. She had been in the shower and did not hear me the first time. I was loaded for bear! I unloaded on her. To be honest she did not have a chance. These thoughts and fears I had in my mind let loose on her. I was totally wrong in doing it. At one point she put her fingers in her ears, which I still think was a little bit immature. She asked to use my phone and I said no, I don't let 4 year old's use my phone as she had her fingers in her ears. Probably not the best thing to say. I had a friend coming over to help me rescue my car from the freeway so he was outside while this exchange was happening and could hear things because the house windows were open. He knows the problems we are having so I didn't mind. I am so glad Angel was not at home. He does not need to see his parents act like children.
The cars damage was minimal, as a matter of fact it was very small. We could have had it fixed within an hour if everything would have went right, but it didn't and to tell all the details is not needed. I will suffice it to say it was 10pm before the dust settled. I then needed to go get Angel from a birthday party. We were home by 11:00 after dropping off the twins, Borderline's girls. They are Angel's age.
Of course during the the heated discussion with Perfect earlier she mentioned it was not worth it, meaning that going to see Borderline was not worth it. She seems to always throw that in my face.
At the end of the night I went to the dungeon where Perfect was hunkered down for the night, because she could not sleep with me. I don't really see the issue, we have a King size bed, and we never touch during the night. Hell it is the same as sleeping alone. She will literally turn over if our faces are facing each other during the night. I told her I was very sorry about the argument. I told her I was very out of line. And that she did not have a chance because of my attitude. She was silent, no verbal or non-verbal ques to even let me know she heard me. The only reason I know she did, was I said good night, and she replied.
I then went to our room where she placed a typed and hand written note telling me all the bad things I was doing to her and our family. As I read it, most of the things she had on the list were things I had already stopped doing. I knew they bothered her, so I stopped. As I saw that the vast majority of the things were in that category or really skewed, I threw the paper away. I will not validate this crap. If she wants to address these one to one I am very open to it, but don't write me a note, throw it at my face and walk away without any discussion. But this is what she does, she will say the meanest most heartless things then run away. So I guess Easter will be a wonderful weekend....But then again, maybe not.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
The Biggest Loser
In all of this Angel is the biggest loser. When Angel sees that Perfect has no joy if I am in the house, he then associates me as the bad person. I am the one that brings sadness to Perfect, so I must be the bastard. Perfect does have joy most of the time when she interacts with Angel. The only time she does not is when she attempts to say no to him. Then he rages and she gives in most of the time, or she makes it look like she worked it out with him, which basically means she caved in. I think she does that to maintain some joy in her life. I know I crave it, and Angel is the only thing that brings her that, so to maintain any form of sanity, she gives into Angel so she can still be his friend and have joy in their interactions.
Because of our poor relationship Angel has a very skewed perception of what a family should be. He does not know how to have joy, we don't model it. He does not know how to be a loving Father or loving Mother, we don't model it. He does not know how to be a loving husband, I don't model it. Angel is at the mercy of his environment, which bring me great despair and sadness. I pray almost daily asking that the Atonement of Jesus Christ will heal those things that I am inadvertently inflicting upon him on a daily basis just for being in our home.
Because of our poor relationship Angel has a very skewed perception of what a family should be. He does not know how to have joy, we don't model it. He does not know how to be a loving Father or loving Mother, we don't model it. He does not know how to be a loving husband, I don't model it. Angel is at the mercy of his environment, which bring me great despair and sadness. I pray almost daily asking that the Atonement of Jesus Christ will heal those things that I am inadvertently inflicting upon him on a daily basis just for being in our home.
Combat Zone
As I walk into the door of my home and yell out some kind of greeting, I usually do not get a response from Perfect. I don't know if she didn't hear me or just ignoring me. I try to maintain some type of optimism that she just did not hear me but most of the time that is not the case. Once it is established that Perfect does not even acknowledge that I am in the house/room either with verbal or non-verbal responses I either feel overwhelming despair or anger almost instantly. I vacillate between these the rest of the time I am with her. The non-acknowledgment continues the whole time I am with her. She will talk but only when absolutely necessary, and even then she will stop cold in the middle of a haphazard conversation, with no Que to let me know why she stopped. I repeatedly apologize for not being more patient, but those statements never get validated by Perfect. She never says she is sorry, she never allows me to make a mistake, she just will either not say anything or tell me it is unacceptable. She mocks me if I show signs of tears or sadness and she tells Angel I am only doing it for the show.
I woke up the other night with my heart racing. It was after Perfect decided she could not sleep in the same bed as me and went down to the dungeon and slept on the couch down there. I am truly scared that some night when Perfect is raging she will come in to our bedroom and stab me. I know this fear is unrealistic, but I still have it.
This is my world, I live this daily. Perfect shows no joy most of the time. Never any joy with me. I beg for her to stop running around the house and just sit and talk with me. She gets angry if I even ask. I have very little joy in my life. the only joy I have is music and good people. Some of the people are friends, some are just acquaintances but talking and telling jokes with them brings me great joy and I thank God for those people. I can also listen for hours to a song that has meaning to me. Most of the songs on my play list have deep meaning to me...I know I am weird:) but they do.
The other night some friends asked Perfect and I over to play games with them. Perfect prefers not to go, not because she did not like the people, but because she does not like any social event. As an example she has missed the last two birthday parties for her nephew who is 2 yrs old. It is an excuse for her family to get together. She gets along fine with everyone but it has been Angel and I who attend. Perfect will not be feeling well or just not want to go at the last minute. So we drive the hour and a half to get there to show support for her family. I am tired of making excuses to friends and family why she is not attending or why our whole family will not be attending an event. I go if Angel wants to go, or if I really need to interact with good friends, but I hate the obvious question, where is Perfect? I do my best to save Perfect from any negative impact by making a reasonable excuse, but it is becoming more and more apparent to others that something is wrong.
I woke up the other night with my heart racing. It was after Perfect decided she could not sleep in the same bed as me and went down to the dungeon and slept on the couch down there. I am truly scared that some night when Perfect is raging she will come in to our bedroom and stab me. I know this fear is unrealistic, but I still have it.
This is my world, I live this daily. Perfect shows no joy most of the time. Never any joy with me. I beg for her to stop running around the house and just sit and talk with me. She gets angry if I even ask. I have very little joy in my life. the only joy I have is music and good people. Some of the people are friends, some are just acquaintances but talking and telling jokes with them brings me great joy and I thank God for those people. I can also listen for hours to a song that has meaning to me. Most of the songs on my play list have deep meaning to me...I know I am weird:) but they do.
The other night some friends asked Perfect and I over to play games with them. Perfect prefers not to go, not because she did not like the people, but because she does not like any social event. As an example she has missed the last two birthday parties for her nephew who is 2 yrs old. It is an excuse for her family to get together. She gets along fine with everyone but it has been Angel and I who attend. Perfect will not be feeling well or just not want to go at the last minute. So we drive the hour and a half to get there to show support for her family. I am tired of making excuses to friends and family why she is not attending or why our whole family will not be attending an event. I go if Angel wants to go, or if I really need to interact with good friends, but I hate the obvious question, where is Perfect? I do my best to save Perfect from any negative impact by making a reasonable excuse, but it is becoming more and more apparent to others that something is wrong.
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