What the HELL happened last night?

We had an appointment with our shrink, Borderline, yesterday afternoon. (Sidebar: I call him Borderline, not because he is borderline skitzo, Which he might be?:), but because he is like a good borderline collie. He knows how to herd livestock where they need to go, but he can also bite their ass if needed.) I got the Borderline's office early. We waited until about 10 minutes after the time we should be starting for Perfect, but she did not show. I was angry, very angry. I began to vent to Borderline saying this was typical and I have no illusions that this will ever get better. I also said, that I thought I would die a lonely old man. Then his secretary knocked and said Perfect had called and she broke down and was walking home. I was actually surprised that she was making the effort. I was also very concerned and worried about what happened to the car.

We drive older cars. We do not have a lot of money to be spending on or fixing these things. I was very scared. Sometimes because Perfect and I don't talk, she will not tell me about a new noise she hears from these cars so I can't address it. Also because of the constant stress and rejection I get from her on a daily basis I am not real motivated to do anything let alone do routine maintenance on a car. I got her voice-mail she sent me, and I really was scared after I heard the symptoms. I am a pretty good mechanic and I save our family thousands of dollars a year because I can do most things myself. I then started in my own mind blaming her for the family situation, and how if she would just f*cking talk to me I would have fixed this problem before it was to this point. As I drove home I saw Perfect's car on the other side of the freeway. As I entered the house I yelled out to see if she was home yet. Then I yelled with more urgency in my voice to make sure she was not just "not talking" but no answer. I went back and drove around looking for her to give her a ride home. I went all the way back on the path she said she was walking but no Perfect.

I then drove back home and she was just getting out of the shower. She had been in the shower and did not hear me the first time. I was loaded for bear! I unloaded on her. To be honest she did not have a chance. These thoughts and fears I had in my mind let loose on her. I was totally wrong in doing it. At one point she put her fingers in her ears, which I still think was a little bit immature. She asked to use my phone and I said no, I don't let 4 year old's use my phone as she had her fingers in her ears. Probably not the best thing to say. I had a friend coming over to help me rescue my car from the freeway so he was outside while this exchange was happening and could hear things because the house windows were open. He knows the problems we are having so I didn't mind. I am so glad Angel was not at home. He does not need to see his parents act like children.

The cars damage was minimal, as a matter of fact it was very small. We could have had it fixed within an hour if everything would have went right, but it didn't and to tell all the details is not needed. I will suffice it to say it was 10pm before the dust settled. I then needed to go get Angel from a birthday party. We were home by 11:00 after dropping off the twins, Borderline's girls. They are Angel's age.
Of course during the the heated discussion with Perfect earlier she mentioned it was not worth it, meaning that going to see Borderline was not worth it. She seems to always throw that in my face.

At the end of the night I went to the dungeon where Perfect was hunkered down for the night, because she could not sleep with me. I don't really see the issue, we have a King size bed, and we never touch during the night. Hell it is the same as sleeping alone. She will literally turn over if our faces are facing each other during the night. I told her I was very sorry about the argument. I told her I was very out of line. And that she did not have a chance because of my attitude. She was silent, no verbal or non-verbal ques to even let me know she heard me. The only reason I know she did, was I said good night, and she replied.

I then went to our room where she placed a typed and hand written note telling me all the bad things I was doing to her and our family. As I read it, most of the things she had on the list were things I had already stopped doing. I knew they bothered her, so I stopped. As I saw that the vast majority of the things were in that category or really skewed, I threw the paper away. I will not validate this crap. If she wants to address these one to one I am very open to it, but don't write me a note, throw it at my face and walk away without any discussion. But this is what she does, she will say the meanest most heartless things then run away. So I guess Easter will be a wonderful weekend....But then again, maybe not.