If you have an 800lb gorilla living in your house, and all they do is drag around a chain and want to play tug-of-war. What is the best way not to get hurt by that gorilla? Don't pick up the damn chain. The gorilla does not want to hurt you, it just wants to play and protect their friend.
Perfect has a 800lb gorilla, and I have been hurt almost daily by picking up the chain...now I have stopped. I will need to continue learning how to ignore the gorilla, it won't be easy, I have had so much practice over our whole relationship, but I must do it. The animal of course did not start this big, but has grown over the years to where now you cannot win against it. I kept feeding it and eventually it is now totally out of my control. By the way I hope I can write this in a way so it makes sense to you, but it might be confusing. Let me explain...
All of our married life and even before Perfect has NEVER had to make a decision about anything. If I asked, what movie do you want to go see, or where do you want to go out to dinner, or even the simplest things, she never has an opinion or will never tell you her decision except in a very vague way, as to never be held accountable for the answer. I have played along, by making those decisions for her, I pick the place to eat, I pick the movie to see, based on what I believe she likes, but by doing so, she is never held accountable for her actions. If the movie was not good, it was my fault. If the dinner was not good, well I made the choice. If anything at all is not perfect, Perfect did not do it, so she can stand back and not be held accountable for it. Just so you know I have asked her what type of music she likes, she does not know, what is her favorite flower, or color, she does not know. If I ask her where she wants to go, she says "you know I can't make a decision" These are all small things and really have minimal impact, but she has perfected this so well, now the big things she handles the very same way. So I have made this gorilla by choosing for her.
Over the years, of course, I have made a great effort to please Perfect by asking her opinion so I could please her, but over those same years she has became a master at deflecting and making excuses as to why she could not be held accountable and how not answer my questions. Now any question I ask is perceived as an attack against her. She has certainly mastered the art of not being accountable for her Temple blessing, or her marriage, or anything else in her life including our family. BTW, Angle has learned from Perfect, and has a great mastery, even at his age, of this also because he has learned from the master, Perfect.
I began to discover this a few days ago when we went to see Borderline. The two things I learned from this meeting was, "Don't grab the Chain of a 800lb gorilla" and "We are all adults". Ironically I learned we are all adults from Perfect.
Borderline gives us assignments every time we meet. It is things we need to concentrate on until we come back and report on our progress. Well a few weeks ago Borderline gave us an assignment and I wanted to make sure we both were held accountable, because I did not see Perfect fulfilling any of the assignment, so I wanted to draw that out. Not totally to show her up, but to start the dialog of if I did not see it, I needed to change my prospective. So I told Borderline what I had done, and asked Perfect what she had done. She immediately said that I was good at making it look good, but it was insincere. Borderline began a dialog with her about how it may seem insincere in the beginning but.... I interrupted him, I said, Perfect is a master at deflection. You asked her about what she did, and she immediately attacked me. I want to know did she fulfill the assignment or not. We can discuss if I was sincere or if I need to change my perception later, I want to know if she fulfilled her assignment. She then said she would not answer me, so Borderline said, well answer me. A long pause, but then she said she did not do anything. She then immediately began to tell us how she did not know if she even wanted to be in our relationship and we both, Borderline and I, grabbed the chain of that gorilla. We both pussyfooted around trying to appease her non-comital attitude. I began to shed tears and lash out.
Now I look at that as how she has handled every attempt in getting her to be accountable. I truly do not believe she wants to hurt me, but she just does not know how to be accountable, and the sad part is, I had made this monster because I have not helped her make decisions by gently holding her accountable for the small things. Now with the big things she can't do it, and will do anything in her power to avoid those situations where she has to step up to the plate and play ball.
By my wanting to "help" Perfect, she has been allowed to not make decisions in her life. This pattern started as a child and has continued throughout our marriage. People around her always help her by allowing her to not make commitments. She is perceived as a gentle woman because of her passive demeanor. People like her, she never offends anyone because she will accept anything that is chosen because she graciously follow others.
At the same time, to the outside observer, I have a strong opinion and perceived as the one that dominates her, which is exactly the opposite. Because if you are committed to a person or relationship, as I am, and the other spouse is not committed to the relationship, who has the power? The person who is not committed, because at any whim he/she could walk and it could be blamed on the other person. No commitment means no accountability. So what do I do? I give into anything she wants. I say I am sorry all the time because I do not live up to her unrealistic expectations. I kiss her ass at high noon, she does not give me anything, because "she does not know if she wants to be with me at all". I have unwillingly created this 800lb gorilla, now I need to stop feeding it, which I am committed to do.
No comments:
Post a Comment