Perfect actually said she was sorry for the way she acted Thursday night, I was so happy, it truly made my drive home from work. Perfect said she wanted to move forward. I really was EXCITED! This is the first indication that she has given me that she wanted to move forward. After I got home I was so exhausted I took a nap. I then went downstairs where Cindy was and thought we could watch a movie together, but within 5 sentences I inadvertently offended her and she went up to the bunker and I never saw her again that night.
I sometimes reflect and think am I that bad of a person? Do I have so much suppressed hatred for her that I downgrade her with every comment? I don't know. I certainly hope not. If almost everyday you are told that you are a bad person and that everything you do is for the praise of others and so you don't look bad, Sometimes you start to believe it.
My fear is that Perfect takes anything I say, whether I want it to be a positive or not, and she interprets it as a slam. It makes little difference what I say, or how I saw it, she takes it as a slam. That must be a horrible existence. She is living in a world where she thinks I hate her and not matter what I do to make it a positive she takes it as a negative, or at the best a neutral.
I will admit I do have a tremendous amount of despair and anger as she does not validate my existence, but I have really prayed to have the atonement take that away. Because my faith falters and is not perfect I regress sometimes. But as I am trying to be better, Perfect tells me she is tired hearing me say I am sorry, well I am tired in not hearing her EVER say she is sorry. I better stop for now, I can tell I am getting very ticked off...
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